Half of this is my fault. Half of this is Discord’s fault. Half of this other people’s fault. Which one doesn’t fit in the 100%? I wish I knew.
For the uninitiated, my name is Vee, or Veselle in long-form, used to be known as renavi. I have been abused for twenty years, so I am quite socially stunted. I have been using Discord since 2016, well within the trauma-era. So, naturally, I don’t exactly have the best ability to handle social interaction, especially the consistent social interaction that Discord enables.
Ever since I got out of the abusive situations, I’ve been struggling to figure out who I really am, what I’m capable of and what my limits are. But I will say, this is an absolute nightmare when other people are busy occupying the limited mental real estate I have left. Their fault or not, it happens regardless. As time has gone on though, I’ve come to realize an inconvenient truth, one that weirdly lines up with another article I’ve read.
Per Futurism,
‘Social media entails constant distractions in the form of messages and notifications, and the mere thought of whether a message has arrived can act as a mental distraction,’ Klingberg added. ‘This affects the ability to stay focused and could explain the association.’
While this isn’t really noticeable to most adults, and the article is specifically pointing this out about children, it rings as fact to me. It makes sense as well, as if I’m twenty years stunted and still trying to figure out How To Social Properly, this would be more evident. I’ve long since been irritable when I’ve been met with a notification of someone’s message, especially when I’m trying to focus on something, but the hardest part has been putting a name to that face. BPD? Thought I had that at some point, but I don’t. ADHD? Maybe, but I’m not diagnosed. Same with autism, DID, the like. All I’m aware of is CPTSD, anxiety, and depression. But, maybe it’s not a particular name. Maybe it’s just that I don’t function well with social interactions in general.
It did take the aftermath of things happening for me to really realize that. When things started actually getting quiet, I could see the mental real estate I was giving up for others. And while I did notice this before, wanting “peace and quiet” for myself, it didn’t include the “from other people” part.
So, if Discord’s going to remain a time vampire, then I’m just going to turn off all the knobs that make me so easy to reach, and be way more intentional about it. It makes me miss IRC, forums, the like, where you weren’t socially expected to be always-on and around all the time. I despise that expectation to the bitter end.
Maybe that’s what I get for hanging around a crowd that doesn’t click with me, though. Maybe I should be expecting a dissertation on how my experience is wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t even be worrying about it and rather just moving on with the limited time I have left.
For now, I’ll just be putting a disclaimer in my Discord bio.