The restraint I’m going to have writing this post is going to kill me.
This is the last in the series of Discord rants I’m putting on this blog, and is a direct continuation from the previous post. I want to move on. I want to be done. I want to never do this again. But unfortunately, things never end, whether I want them to or not, and I just keep getting dragged back into the same spot I was ten years ago. It’s my mistake, I get into the wrong crowds and give so much of myself that I start passing IOUs. But now, this is going to eat at me for months, just like my initial mistakes have.
PTSD is a nightmare. Is it PTSD or CPTSD? Therapist thinks it’s the former, symptoms line up with the latter. What does it even matter, though? I live by “explanation not excuse” and yet some people will happily take neither and paint me with a brush laced with acid and napalm.
This is a cautionary note. Be very careful with who you interact with online. Go figure, right? Everyone hears that growing up. But the memo I missed is that the person you meet initially is not going to be the same person you know later down the line. And that person will be very different after you make a mistake.
In my opinion, the realest friends are the ones who can stick through the fuckups. Too many of them and it’s time to pack up and leave, yes, that’s a fair given. But ask yourself, when does the fallout of it end? Does it end after you lose the friend? Does it end after you’re blocked from making friends in a place they frequent with one-sided pressuring arguments onto someone you just befriended? Or does it end after it gets taken up to the staff of said community, thus throwing you out without any chance to explain yourself, even after going out of your way to take responsibility and improve?
And here I was ready to get over my fears, and contribute to the NSFW-esque fandom that is Human Domestication Guide. Well, if the people there wish to hold up the glowing neon sign telling me (and other people, apparently) to fuck off, then I won’t be the one moving to trample over the flowerbed of poison ivy. I’d advise whoever’s reading this to stay away from it as well.
I got no notice I was banned from that place. This was after I closed off my DMs and friend requests entirely, so I can only assume there would have been a bot or something telling me I got banned, and that’s it. I don’t know which of the people I’ve wronged rekindled the dumpster fire that I just wanted to let die out, but I just can’t bring myself to point fingers anymore.
Every bone in my body wants me to gather up what I can and post it, to get some kind of vindication after the weeks I’ve had to spend paranoid of the retribution that did inevitably come (shocker!) by proving to whoever’s reading that I have a side to tell too, even if it gets buried. Maybe someday I will, but I know it won’t help anything, rather just making it worse for both me and who I screwed up with. I’ll still be shitflung in the echo chambers with accusations that’ll make Robert J. Hanlon cry, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Besides from improving myself elsewhere and living a life that makes me happy, anyway. That’s one option I have that can’t be taken away from me by anyone other than myself, no matter what. I can keep being my introverted spider-like self with friends who understand (I’ll treasure this forever, thank you Dannie.), and that makes me happy to know.
And in the future, I really should not get tunnel-visioned. I missed the forest for its trees, and I missed all the signs telling me to turn back. I didn’t listen to what I needed. I took having friends on Discord too seriously. I became terminally online, and I paid the cost of my own soul for it. Now, I’m left to pick up the pieces of shattered glass shattered once more.
But I’m still capable. Maybe I can do something about HDG’s inherent unfairness towards “doms”, if I ever finish the Unisyn, though…
Until then, hopefully it’s an era of self-improvement, actually, for real this time, maybe. But that’s next year. For now, I’ll just enjoy my paranoid Christmas feeling 14 years old and helpless once again.